Who am I?

I have published this blog to tell you my side of the story. The true one.

Who am I? A Victim?

I had an adorable wife, gorgeous little children, brothers, sisters, parents, load’s of extended family, almost innumerable amount of friends, a cozy home, and a job I loved. But in a matter of ten seconds, I lost them all.
All of them.
Everything.
With the calmest and quietest of voices, a great man said to me “You have no Priesthood”; which I already knew. To describe the experience closest is to calmly walk up, have a cannon pointed at your chest, and fired. My ability to walk, and speak, stayed with me long enough to load some of my belongings in my little van, and drive away, ...barely.

Am I a victim? Of a crime? Only if you call justice a crime; only if you call all choices that are painful, bad ones. I don’t, because I deserved it. I earned it. The loss that I feel, the absolute death of soul that I have felt, the pain that hurt me the very most, is the loss of the confidence of my best friend, Warren Steed Jeffs.

Anyone who has lost the greatest job they ever had, I know how they feel.

Anyone who has lost their own home, I know how they feel.

Anyone who has had close friends and family avoid you, I know how they feel.

Anyone who has lost their entire family of cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles, brothers, sisters, parents, and grandparents all in an instant, like watching them climb into a bus and watch the bus drive over a cliff, and be left alone on the dirt road wondering why, knowing it was you who pulled the brake line. I know how they feel.

Anyone who has left their adorable, loving wife sobbing on the couch, gathered with her little ones, and to never see or hear from her again, I know how they feel.

Anyone who has had a child hold on to their neck, tightly, and then lost that child, I know how they feel.

Anyone who has stood looking at the empty spot where their van containing everything they owned was parked only an hour before, three days after losing everything else, I know how they feel.

Anyone who loves their parents desperately, but dreads the visit because it will only be another agonizing goodbye, I know how they feel.

Anyone who has had hurt so bad in their heart that they prayed to God to let them die, somehow, to release the pain, I know how they feel.

The pain, the longing for the grave, the fierce hell that I felt, and still feel at times, is because I love those who I am not worthy of.

I know what it is like to lose your soul.

But here is the truth that no one else will tell you. IT WAS MY OWN FAULT. I know it, God knows it, Warren Jeffs knew it, and now YOU know it. The blame is on no one but myself. I must answer for what I have done. I am the reason I am not home in the FLDS Church with my family, and no one else is. I did what I knew would take me out of what I know is heaven on earth.

I was a member of the FLDS Church, a group of people of which to me there is no comparison. The unity, the love, and the effort of purity of that people are the greatest in the world. I have met a lot of people, I travel all over the country, some do come close, but there are none who compare. Ladies who are angels in every sense of the word, dignified men who would work day and night on your home for nothing and ask only to do more; a people who desire God’s will and nothing else, and a determined goal unlike any other in the world, and that is to become Zion, the pure in heart, here and now; a group of pure fathers, with pure mothers, and pure children; under the direction of one prophet; striving to become a community where the angels in heaven, and Jesus Christ Himself would want to live.

I was in their way; and others were in their way.

Some people who leave the FLDS called it tyranny to obey. They feel they have "escaped". I guess to those raised in heaven, the requirement to do good when you don’t want to is a tremendous burden. But are they victims? When the only thing they seek to escape is heaven and their testimony of it?

Some people who were asked to leave call it torture to not be allowed to stay and interfere with the effort. They want you to think they were cast out for no good reason, which is a lie, are they victims? I am not a victim of anything but my own actions. And neither are they.

I believe in God, the Omnipotent Creator of the Universe, and I believe that He was born into this world and died on the cross for our sins, to give us the resurrection and the power to repent. I believe in His justice, and His mercy, that He is the judge of us all, and anytime we blame anyone for what we experience, we blame Him. He loves us, each individually, and He has a reward for us according to our ability to overcome our sins, a reward far beyond our imaginations.

Keeping Sweet is just that, it is a smile in our trial. It is the effort of prayer, forgiveness, repentance, humility, hope, obedience, and pure love; to never let an outside influence adjust our trust in God; and to trust Him, completely, absolutely, and without exception; to look to Him, and He alone, for solace and courage. Then we will learn to be worthy to be lifted up at the last day, even you, and even me; Saint, Jew, Gentile, Negro, and Oriental; Atheist, Buddhist, Muslim, Catholic, Protestant, and Mormon. God loves us without exception, but He will reward us not only by His love for us, but by our ability to love Him enough to be just like Him, and obey Him all the time, no matter what, no matter who wants to stop us, no matter what we live through.

I feel very compelled to tell you the very difficult time I have in writing this blog. I have a difficult time because I love those who hate Warren Jeffs. I have no desire to put them down in any way. I wish nothing for them that I do not want for myself. I only write things against them to stop them from hurting the innocent and keep those who want to believe the truth from believing their lies.

When I think of those who have become filled with apostasy, whose rage is blinding and whose greatest fear is the whole truth, I think of an angry child with matches, who catch themselves on fire. They may light things on fire and hurt the innocent they hate, but it is they who are covered in gasoline. I forgive and feel sorry for them.

I may be a fool, I may be a coward, but let it never be said of me that he did not forgive all!

I have said things on this blog that I didn’t want to. I have written things in emails, on blogs, and even in this post that I probably shouldn’t have. Sometimes I fee like Peter who made a great error with his sword when the soldiers came, and then soon made the opposite error standing at the fire. I have shown my weakness, and shown it to all.

But to all who read this, I sincerely plead, that with your hearts, your desires, your anxiety to do something. Do not give me advice on how to treat my best friend, or my best friend advice on how to treat me! Forgive us. Turn all of your feelings to love, and do something to BUILD UP OTHERS!

Thank You FATHER!